How to Lose Friends and Alienate People (When Out Snowboarding) - Onboard Magazine

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Intro



Behold! Quite possibly, the dumbest snowboard related article you have ever read. Well actually, not entirely…

In it, we attempt to describe a number of different ways that you can royally piss off fellow mountain dwellers, from snaking lift lines to sideslipping down powder fields, But before we get going, we’d like to make it perfectly clear that by following the advice below, you run the risk of being spoken to by fellow riders with emotions varying from mild distaste, to a full blown longing to ram their brand new GoPro HD Hero 3+ up your backside… 

And although we’ve written this article with tongue firmly pressed in cheek, you’d definitely be doing well to bear these points in mind when you’re next up on the hill.

So without further ado, here’s our step-by-step guide on how to lose friends and alienate people (when out snowboarding):

GENERAL SHIZZ

Be a whining little bitch: 

Complain as much as possible, as often as you can. You want to try and convince your friends that snowboarding that day is the equivalent of being dragged to Ikea by your uncle and his mother when you’re hungover and don’t even like meatballs.

Stop for lunch/gossip sesh/academic conference IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RUN: 

You’ll get even more hatred if you and your friends pose for an iPhone snap, forcing everyone else to swerve around a throbbing mass of peace hand signs, cheesy grins and breakdance poses.

Hit sidehits and totally don’t check uphill first: 

This is a great way to get mowed down by a 6 ft 3 ski-dad doing the most perfect looking ski turns you’ve ever laid eyes on. Except, you won’t have laid eyes on them because you didn’t look uphill right? If you hit ski dad (who will be large, angry and probably Russian), he will NOT be best pleased and if you’re EXTRA lucky, may even touch you with his fist.

Wear stupid stuff: 

Seek out one of those dumb looking jester hats or a helmet with a attachable mowhawk and proceed to think that (and tell everyone) that you’re the single best dressed person on the hill. Use a megaphone for extra dramatic effect.

Be WAY too keen: 

Ask every guy in the liftline what stance they’re riding, what their favourite snowboard brand is, whether they prefer camber or rocker and what colour their underwear is. They’ll totally appreciate it…

Snake the lift line: 

Instead of going to the end of the line like a normal, civilised human being, exert your caveman instincts and duck the rope. If anyone challenges you, simply imagine you’re Fifty Cent and strike a mean frown, combined with a slight pout, to intimidate them back into silence.

Slam the bar down/up without giving anyone a heads up: 

YOU ARE THE CHAIRLIFT MASTER. Don’t consider if the other people riding with you are ready and slam the bar down/up when you see fit. If you time it just right you’ll crack someone over the head or knock someone’s teeth out.

Don’t bother asking anyone if it’s cool if you smoke and when you’re done, toss your butt: 

One of the main reasons why people travel out to the mountains to go snowboarding is to breath more smoke right? So why not help them out and light one up on the chair. And when you’re done, toss your butt off the side so that it will provide a foraging woodland squirrel with a hearty snack and/or get it high. If not, it adds character to the forest floor right?

Jump on the t-bar halfway off and knock the person off who’s already on it: 

You can’t be bothered to wait in line for the park t-bar so why not look for a lone rider and jump on the other side? When you knock him/her off, simply consider them ‘killed in action’ – a tragic, but necessary loss.


Park

Never call your drop in: 

Waiting for park features is overrated. Drop in whenever the hell you want and if there’s somebody in the way, shout at them until they move out of it.

Wait an AGE before dropping in for features: 

Conversely, you’ll also get folk nice and worked up if you appear to be ready to drop in but just stand there, as if frozen in a never-ending daydream about puppies wearing purple hats doing Latin American dance.

Host a mother’s meeting on the landings of jumps: 

The landings of jumps are the PERFECT place to stand in a big group and have a jolly old chin wag. You’re hidden from view and if someone lands on you, you’ll be able to sue them for like, a million Euros. Crutching all the way to the bank…

Powder

Sideslip all the way down a perfect powder face: Instead of y’know, turning down that epic 50 degree slope with 3 foot of wind blown powder that’s so light you’d have to coat it in lead to stop it floating away, why not sideslip down it so you fuck it up for everyone else?

PRO TIP: if you’re feeling particularly ambitious, add a little side-to-side falling leaf motion to your slip, so your trail of powder destruction is spread across an even wider area!

Follow people off piste when you’re way out of your depth: 

Seek out a group of riders who are far more experienced and better equipped than you (hint, at least one of them will have a beard and most will be rocking Gore-tex pro shells). Fit your GoPro to your head and remember to turn it on so you don’t miss a moment of your day as a semi-professional leacher.

Follow the group of riders on a challenging hike to an alpine zone of which you have absolutely no idea about. Strap in before the group does, drop in and find yourself riding the best powder of your life, before ending on top of a big, fuck-off cliff.

Then, proceed to frantically wave down the experienced dudes to call in a helicopter to come save your ass. Sweet, you got to go in a heli too!

Alternatively, end up doing this:

Ride backcountry in a crew without a transceiver: 

You don’t actually need a transceiver right? Because there definitely won’t be an avalanche, and even if there is, your bros have got your back haven’t they? And of course, they’ll be super down riding with you knowing that if they get buried you won’t be able to dig them out.

Be shit at riding powder when it’s dumped:

Keep telling yourself that the phrase ‘no friends on a powder day’ is strictly reserved for heartless bastards. Because when it’s snowed over a foot of light fluffy stuff, of course your friends want to give you a lesson on how to not tomahawk every couple of feet you ride. They’ll love you forever and ever and ever.

Can you think of any other things that one could do on a snowboard to lose them a whole bunch of friends?

Let us know via the comments section below!

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