Talking Points

How to Properly Piss Off Park Shapers

The shape crew are some of the most unloved, under-appreciated and underpaid people on the mountain. Get the park right and you might get some props from a few locals – get it wrong, though, and the entire resort will be baying for blood while those in neighbouring areas will laugh, point and call you a bunch of people with German heritage, and the family name of Kunz.

Don’t get us wrong, it’s a rad job, but it’s not all plain sailing. But just in case your local crew are getting a bit cocky, here’s how to make their blood boil…

Drop through the park when it’s closed

If the lifts are open, the park must be, right? It’s not like there could be snowcats on the landing, shapers on the features, ice blocks in the in-run, rails that haven’t been dug in properly or a million other reasons to not come through the park.

Next time a friend invites you for dinner, turn up early then kick down the door to the kitchen and start tasting the food before it’s cooked. Proceed to then bitch about how the food isn’t ready. Extra points if you call him out on Facebook for being a lazy bastard.

Make sure you completely remove the fence preventing entry thereby becoming the new warden of the park. You’ll save a shaper the hike up to open it up anyway.

Ride near the winch cat

Whenever you see a winch cat, you should definitely go over to play limbo under the wire.

Driving a machine that weighs 10,280kg up a landing in either ice or slush conditions, attached to a cable that if if snaps will split humans in two like butter, isn’t going to be the slightest bit stressful at all. Make sure you stop just by the wire and take a selfie just in case nobody believes you.

If it looks like the cat driver is shouting at you, they’re probably just singing along to the radio and shaking his fist to beat. Give them a wave before you ride off.

Stand on the take-offs

We’ve always found the best place to an overview of the park is on the top of the take-offs. Just shuffle on up there – go on, up you go, use an ice-pick if necessary!

Got poles with you? Give the take-off a good hit with them – it’s not like the it’s made out of a substance that crumbles away easily is it? Put your back into it!

Done with your gaze across the park? Had a few people shout at you because you’re in their way?

They’re probably just jealous of your sick view. Now drop off the side of the feature – the walls which were straight looked too neat anyway. Not like anyone had to cut them with a super heavy cutting shovel.

Bitch about one feature not being open

Park been built by the 5th of December, but your favourite rail not out or a kicker line is being tinkered with?

Make sure they know that despite there being 15 other features out there, you think the park sucks because the shotgun down-flat-down isn’t out.

Drop cigarette butts everywhere

Once your legs are tired from standing on take-offs and your throat hurts from all feedback given to the crew, have a sit-down on the deckchairs and spark up an oily to relax. Once you’re done with it, drop it on the floor and empty all the shit in your pockets out as well.

By dumping, it means the poor shapers can scavenge for any last morsels of chocolate, or drops of coke left in the bottle.

Complain about the park layout not being switched-up

Ensure you regularly moan at the crew for not switching the park layout around. The decision will definitely be theirs and not that of the resort operations manager who budgets and allocates resources to the mountain.

It’s not like a snowpark is expensive, time consuming, resource dependant, or due to the fact that park riders make the resorts very little money when compared to other users of the mountain.

Bite the hand that feeds!

Use rails and boxes as benches To Chill on

If you’re knackered half-way through your run, the park is laid out to ensure there are nifty rest points all over the place.

Personally, we find the down section of a tube the comfiest and it has the added bonus that you get to slide down on your bum when you’re ready to start riding again! Neat!

Use take-offs as kickers

Not quite good enough for the big park, but don’t want to hit the jumps in the mini-park ’cause you’re too cool for that shit? Well, luckily take-offs for rails provide the perfect mini-kickers for your first flailing attempts at getting radical.

Make sure you snake the posse of riders in the drop in, and then shoot off at an angle cutting anyone above you off. Listen out for the shouts of encouragement! GET SOME!