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Ah yes, mysterious, far away from basically everything, Russia. In the last couple of months we’ve all been heavily bombed with negative information concerning human rights, whale rights and basically everything else that goes naturally right in most of the other countries in this world, but don’t quite seem to work out in this self-proclaimed democracy (good one, Russia!). But with the Winter Olympic Games in Sochi just around the corner, we thought we’d give you a little heads up on how they’ll very likely be one of the most exceptional games yet to come.

We gathered a few facts* that you might not have heard yet, talking to numerous experts and insiders. We now want to give you an exclusive behind-the-scenes look at the ginormous, and at times a bit confusing, event coming up. Some of these things we were told confidentially, but we love you so much, we’re going to take the risk of pissing off the crazy Russian intelligence agency anyways. Lean back and enjoy!

*by facts, we actually mean fiction

waist medal

2. The boot grab has its origins in Russia, coming from the word ботинки/batinki and is thus considered the premium class grab in the Sochi Winter Olympics.

bob costas johnny knoxville slopestyle
3. Putin is going to do the first run in each discipline. His halfpipe run will consist of a quadruple 1800, a double McPutin and a huge Method Putin. Over at slopestyle, Bob Costas volunteered to do the first run together with Johnny Knoxville.

4. For refreshments, visitors and athletes will be provided with Vodka-fountains that are going to be spread around the Olympic Village. The Australians are not allowed to drink from them.

[part title="Sochi Facts 5-8"]

shaun white olympic village
5. After the Olympics are over, the Olympic village is going to be given to Shaun White as a private training facility. To secure the nondisclosure of possible new tricks learned by White, his team hired the architects of the Great Chinese Wall to surround the area with a similar construction.

6. Like in the gladiator fights in ancient Rome, the rating system will not consist of the usual 100 points system but by thumbs up or down from Putin. Thumbs down being 0 points, horizontal thumbs 50 points, thumbs up 90 points and Putin winking will be a perfect 100. Also newly added to the Olympics is a social media voting of which team has the most fierce looking outfits. The Australians are not allowed to take part in the voting.

putin riding a bear
7. The venue for the slopestyle and halfpipe contests are placed in Rosa Khutor extreme park, which is about one and a half hours away from Sochi. Contestants are going to use the public bear transport to get there.

8. Just like how the time zone in Sochi is different to ours, so are the regular/goofy stances. Because of the curvature of the earth, the slant is being reversed so all goofy riders will become regular and all regular riders will become goofy.

9. In case of a sudden weather change, the event will not be cancelled like last year’s test event, but switched to the contestants competing against each other playing Mario & Sonic at the Winter Olympic Games:

10. Pussy Riot was hired to perform at the Opening Ceremony.

danny davis toilet swag

12. The mascot for snowboarding is a talking snow leopard that loves dancing and rock-climbing. He once saved a whole village from an avalanche and later picked up snowboarding from his teacher, the Zen-master.

lgbt sochi uniforms

14. After recurring public and internal industry demand, the team managers now have to hand in the runs their athletes will be doing in slopestyle and halfpipe beforehand.

biathlon shooting fried chicken
15. The Biathlon guys are going to shoot everyone’s dinner, combining the necessary with the convenient. Served will be what - or whoever was hit somewhere along the competition.

For more information about slopestyle in specific, head over to our (100% factually accurate...) beginners guide.