How To Piss Off Your Shop Kid - Intro
Ahh, your local shop kid. Young, poor, and oozing enthusiasm with every breath for their beloved snowboarding. They're probably just looking to get cheap gear and stack some cash whilst they're at college. Hours spent flicking through brand catalogues, selecting the best DVD to play in the store and the smell of wax are just a few of their favourite past-times.
However, if their boundless enthusiasm and good-hearted nature grinds your gears, here's some solid advice on how to make them jaded, angry and left with a lingering distaste for the general public.
It happens working in retail anyway, but this'll just speed that process up.
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Be Rude When It's Busy
What you really, really don’t want to do is visit in the morning when there’s nobody in the shop, or at a time when it’ll be quiet - so that the staff can give you their undivided attention for as long as you need.
Nah, fuck that. Make sure you come in at lunchtime when there’s a thousand people in there and the shop kid is serving 5 people at the same time. They’ll for sure appreciate it when you huff and puff caus it’s taking so long. It’s not like you’re ever busy at work is it?
Lie To The Shop Kid About Your Ability
‘Oh, what’s that? You did a whole week on black runs without falling over? You must be a super pro’
Greatly exaggerate your riding ability to the shop kid helping you out. If you occasionally hit patches of powder, say you’re super into backcountry. Hit a jump and did a tindy? Say you’re after the stiffest camber board possible. Hit a box? You need a stick for urban riding.
It’s not like being honest will lead you to getting the best board for you to progress on and enjoy. Nah, you’ll deffo be able to handle a Slash Aurora if you’re going out on your second trip.
Choose Gear Just Because the Colour Matches
Once the shop kid has measured up your feet, made a choice on what’ll have the best stiffness for your riding, which boot is the right width and fits the heel properly – just go ahead and pick the colour you like the most.
'Caus if there’s anything worse than having a shit pair of snowboard boots that make your toe nails fall off, your heel slip out and make you hate snowboarding with a vehement passion – it’s matching green with red.
Don't Cut Your Toenails Before Buying Boots
A study recently conducted by the City University of North Tahoe concluded that having super long skanky toenails helps your feet grip into the toe-box of your boot.
Everyone that works in a snowboard shop has a toenail fetish anyway, so don’t worry about the state of your cuticles – they’ll relish the opportunity to handle ‘em.
Don't Listen To Their Advice
Once you’ve spent a long and arduous time telling the shop kid that you want a jib board and the shop kid has explained multiple times what a jib board is and how it’s probably not the best all-mountain ride – disregard their advice, buy the board and then google ‘jib snowboard’ when you get home.
Realise that it’s completely the wrong board for you, go back into the shop and scream at the kid for selling you the wrong board.
Order Product, Then Never Pick It Up
You really want that Burton Custom X in a 164 wide that nobody stocks because it’s a really specialist product that probably doesn’t sell that well?
Make sure you get them to order it in at their cost, then never pick it up, leaving them with a board they probably wont be able to sell.
That’ll teach ‘em to only stock the 5th to the 95th percentile of snowboard sizes.
Ask For Discount On Everything
Buying wax? Discount.
Buying socks? Discount.
Buying a stomp pad? Discount.
When a product doesn’t scan or have a price label on, ask them if it’s free. You’re such a funny and original guy!
Bring Expert Knowledge
Bring your friend/significant other to the shop with you that once worked in a supermarket that sold sledges.
They’ll obviously have all of the experience selling this season's gear, with training from the brand reps to make sure that you get the right product to the right people.
Whenever the shop kid suggests something, smack that motherfucker down with ‘but I always buy my boots two sizes bigger so my toes don’t touch the end of the boot’.
Get Their Recommendations, Then Buy It Online
Once you’ve taken up hours of the shop kid's time; and their experience learnt over a long period of time of working in a snowboard store, including hours spent learning the products, demo-ing them and their experience of being a snowboarder – take a picture of the label and tell them you’re gonna see if you can get it online cheaper.
Seriously; FUCK YOU!