Did you enjoy sports as a child – but never got your shot at ‘the big time’? Do you want to make sure your kids feel like they’re doing something different and ‘edgy’ while promoting a mentality that winning is the only thing that matters?
Well it sure sounds like you could use a crash course in pushy parenting – it’s the only way to destroy your kid’s passion for snowboarding and make sure they end up friendless and alone…
As a bonus, if you follow these simple steps correctly, you could be retiring peacefully on your children’s sponsorship money for years to come – after all that’s the whole point of having kids isn’t it?
(Disclaimer: It definitely isn’t, don’t even think about following this list … heck, why are you even reading this…?)
STEP 1: Start them young
If you’re not whispering ‘quadruple cork’ to them while they’re still in the womb, you’ve missed the boat and they’ll never be a success. At the current rate of grom progression, you will also have to have them on a snowboard before they learn to walk. If you can arrange for the birth to be in a plane over the Alps even better…
STEP 2: Buy Them The Most Expensive Gear
Make sure you get all the premium gear regardless of how good they are – that way they’ll be the envy of the whole class, but people won’t respect them. Remember Macaulay Culkin in Ritchie Rich?
STEP 3: Enroll them in private lessons.
You want the best tuition for your budding pro, but you also want to separate them from the pack – friends are distracting…
STEP 4: Don’t EVER let them shred/explore the mountain by themselves.
One sniff of freedom and they’ll be gone…
STEP 5: Make sure they practice every day.
Do whatever’s necessary to get them quality slope time – lies and bribes are to be encouraged, whatever other parental guides might tell you…
STEP 6: Treat every competition like a battle to the death/guilt trip them into winning
There are two approaches for this one:
a) Go all out aggressive (as above)
b) Go passive agressive:
“No pressure but if you mess this up, it could really affect your future…”
STEP 7: Be their manager/agent/photographer
It’s your duty to make parenting the most business-like relationship possible. If you want complete control over their public image try starting a blog on their behalf – being all cutesy and pretending to be them online is optional…
STEP 8: Get ’em sponsored young
There’s nothing like the added support of a sponsor to make a grom really feel the weight of their actions. Plus this will lighten the load on your wallet when the free stash starts flying your way.
STEP 9: Start a rivalry
Nothing will garner media attention quite as fast as this. Everyone loves a rivalry, and a competitive atmosphere is great for pushing everyone to the limits.
STEP 10: Send them to rehab
Chances are, by the time they’re in their early 20s, they’ll be so sick of your shit that they’ll have got in with the ‘wrong crowd’ just to get back at you – and we all know where that leads…
It’s a small price to pay for those years of success though, right?
What are you struggling with? Fire us your suggestions in the comments section and our next how to could be dedicated to you.