Everything will be fine...

The worst part is over. I had my surgery Feb 1st, in Vail at the Steadman Hawkins Clinic. It´s pretty convenient to have such an amazing clinic next door, otherwise I don´t think there would have been a chance to get my knee fixed in a place where they normally take care of fancy soccer players and olympic ski medalists…

The surgery went well, and now I have a part of a dead American person´s foot in my knee (they replace your ACL with a tendon out of the foot). This may sound awkward, but I´m really stoked on it. In Germany this type of surgery isn´t legal for some dumb bureaucratic reasons. Anyways, the hospital was crazy, I got connected to a machine where I could shoot myself 1 gramm of morphine every 6 minutes to kill the pain. I must have had around 20 gramms that night. Surprisingly the next day I felt supersick, threw up a bunch (best one: sitting in physical theraphie with about 12 more people in the room – sooo bad!), got fever, was totally confused and dizzy – I could imagine this is what a junkie rockstar feels the day after a big night. I never want to be a junkie rockstar. Since then luckily things have gotten a little bit better. I don´t take any painkillers anymore, got a decent range of motion back, and figured out to do most everyday things on crutches. The thing that sucks most is that everything suddenly takes 5 times as long as normally, putting on pants is a serious issue, not even to mention taking a shower or carrying a cup of tea from the kitchen to the couch. Actually that´s not possible.

I hope to feel okay enough to go to watch the vail session this weekend. That will be crazy. Last year I had so much fun there, the setup was really unique and the contest one of the funniest sessions of my entire year. I was looking forward so much to ride there, probably more than to any other contest all winter. Now I´ll be watching and cheering on my friends. That will be good too, but I know that there´ll also be a a lot of “what if” thoughts in my head, and a really huge desire to just go up there, strap in and pretend everything is normal…. Then though, this gianormous straight leg brace and the constantly pulsing pain in my knee will take me back into semi-reality, realizing I can´t ride, not though for how long . I am still in magic winter wonder land, far away from the actual truth, living in this unsaid,unconsious illusion I may be ok next week…

Seeing the lifts every day, people with snowboards under their arms, hanging out with everybody I would also hang out with if I could ride, crutch-walking through snow every day. I don´t get it because I dont want to get it. That´s also why I don´t want to go home. I don´t want to understand. I want to be okay. It´s good that I wouldn´t be able to fly for another week anyways, it gives me a little more time in this everything´s-alright-environment without having to admit to myself that I don´t want to leave. I can´t leave. Everything will be fine…

Silvia

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